Tech Humor

Tech is a unique school. All schools are unique, but Tech is a really special place. It's out in the middle of nowhere. It's never been a place that's central to anything. By geographic location alone, you have to want to be here. On top of that, there is no local entertainment (save the Capitol, and you have to be 21), the course load is.... excessive, and there really aren't a whole lot of girls. People have to invent their own fun. The end result is a high concentration of people who are just a little twisted. Through this page, I hope to convey some of that to you.

Added 6/28/05

Stuff from Paydirt:

Tech Terminology (Roxanne Price, Sept 2002)

High-Tech/high rent bungalow: In any other town, that rental house would have been condemned and torn down. But it has a high-speed internet connection. Cool! When do we move in?
Socorro Architecture: Codes? Who needs building codes? Street signs make good floor boards, As long as the walls and ceiling meet, does it really matter that it's not a 90 degree square?
Shopping gap: So what if our town and campus can boast cutting edge research and million dollar technology? We still have to drive forty miles away to buy new pillows.
Entertaining in Town: This will always involve food. There may not be any bowling alleys, dance clubs, roller skating rinks, or multi-screen cinemas, but there are enough restaurants and fast food places that you could visit a new one every night for nearly a month.
Reverse U-turn: It's not really driving down the wrong side of the road if you're going into a parking lot or drive through. Uh huh.
Car chat: yes, those two cars in front of you are stopped in the middle of the road and are blocking traffic both ways. But it's rude to honk at them if the drivers haven't quite finished their conversation. Gery Poupon, anyone?
Financial Aid Day: An unmarked, unofficial holiday celebrated by Wal-Mart runs, parties with expensive beverages, and restaurants you can't afford until the beginning of next semester.
Techie Clumping: It is rare to find just one Techie. Go shopping at Wal-Mart, peruse the bookstore and malls in Albuquerque, and you will not be alone for long. When looking at internships and full-time jobs, you will find large pockets of Techies. Is it networking? Is it a conspiracy? Or have Techies found the rest of the country too strange after their stay at Tech and have convinced their classmates to join them in self defence?
Incrementing you Socorro number: A cyclic phenomenon where normally intelligent people experience a love/hate relationship with Socorro and Tech. They leave, they come back, they leave, they come back. A vaccine is now in the works.

Techie Ten Commandments (Justin linford, Aug 2002)

Thou shalt have no other Operating Systems before Linux.
Thou shalt not create anatomically correct blow-up sheep.
Thou shalt not waste good food.
Remember 49'ers weekend and keep it holy.
Thou shalt not spill the Guinness.
Thou shalt rejoice when another is getting laid, even if he is thine enemy.
Thou shalt memorize the 'Talking Frog' Joke and recite it often.
Thou shalt no graduate in less than 5 years.
Thou shalt not pay full price for dinner in Socorro.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's sheep.

Rejected Commandments

Thou shalt appear at at least one class.
Thou shalt appear on Schlakes Daily Pages at least twice.
Thou shalt not set off fireworks underneath the the gazebo.
Thou shalt attempt to impeach the SA president.
Thou shalt not have convenient access to Wal-Mart.
Thou shalt not trust Brown Hall.
Thou shalt not have a life while taking Junior Design.
Thou shalt not pay full price for software.
Thou shalt receive food poisoning or a parasite at Chartwells.
Thou shalt watch The Simpsons whenever possible.
Thou shalt not allow a Physic major to "fix" your computer.

Stuff I wrote:

Top Ten Headlines in Paydirt that would make the average Techie very happy (Oct 2002)

Source of all the cats discovered.
Star Wars characters invade Star Trek movie, slaying Enterprise Crewmembers. Data vows revenge.
Star Trek characters invade Star Wars movie, slaying Jar-Jar Binks. And there was much rejoicing. Crusher and Anakin are stuck in an eternal battle spanning space-time.
New discovery enables the bright thing in the sky to be turned off.
Chartwells contract awarded to the Ritz.
Women flock to Tech in droves in search of pasty white engineers and scientists.
Flock sheep seen grazing on golf course.
EMRTC seeks to hire students to drive tanks around and shoot stuff.
Wal-Mart Super Center construction starts next week.
Tech now has a Full OC3.

28 Things overheard from Klingon Programmers (I compiled these from elsewhere on the web) (May 2003)

1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

2) "What is this talk of "release"? Klingons do not make software "releases". Our software "escapes" leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

3) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

4) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

5) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

6) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

7) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak." 8) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

9) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

10) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

11) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."

12) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

13) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

14) "Microsoft is actually a secret Farengi-Klingon alliance designed to cripple the Federation. The Farengi are doing the marketing and the Klingons are writing the code."

15) "I am without honor...my children are without honor... My father coded at the Battle of Kittimer...and...and...he... HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE MICROMANAGED."

16) "You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which possesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle...which it rubs along the ground.....uh do we really need to talk about this?"

17) "Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine."

18) "Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Farengi programmer."

19) "I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 review team to a round of Bat-Leth practice on the holodeck. They will not concern us again."

20) "C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary."

21) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user."

22) "Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best."

23) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived

24) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

25) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

26) "Our competitors are without honor!"

27) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"

28) A TRUE warrior does real-time imaging on a Z80. These "nVidia" chips you speak are mere toys for infantile coders.

15 Things to do at Wal-mart (From an email I got in October 2003)

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor from the hunting department to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And last but not least,

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here."

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Long lost TCC Tickets

05 Nov 2002 14:00:14 mmcclear: The TCC maintenance team is missing 25% of its staff. Find James. **Priority: 1 **Scope: external **CSA: 100 **Owner: tcc-maint **Filer: mmcclear **Reporter: mmcclear **ReporterName: Matthew McCleary **ReporterPhone: 6748 **Category: hardware **Subcategory: other **Description: Find the missing James **EstTTC: 1.50 **EstDOC: 05-Nov-2002 **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-uc,tcc-maint ********************************************************************** 05 Nov 2002 14:13:31 ray: Fivolous ticket. Ray. **Status: cancelled **Owner: ray **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: tcc-uc,tcc-maint,mmcclear ********************************************************************** 05 Nov 2002 15:25:27 mmcclear: We don't know where James is, and neither does Steve. I believe that means this ticket has unresolved issues. We'd all like to know where he is, because we need him to help on several projects. I am reopening. **Status: active **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 05 Nov 2002 16:44:57 ray: Ticket is not appropriate for "people problems". See you manager. Ray. **Status: cancelled **Owner: ray **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: mmcclear, singogli, mtopliff ********************************************************************** 11 Oct 2002 15:07:26 dgraham: The midgets are loose! The midgets are loose! We're all going to experience high lag time, missing lockdown equipment and off-center cpu fans! Run for the hills! Crippled Windows boxen first! **Priority: 1 **Scope: internal **CSA: 100 **Owner: mmcclear **Filer: dgraham **Reporter: dgraham **ReporterName: Dustin Graham **ReporterPhone: 6748 **Category: other **Subcategory: other **Description: midget containment has been breached **EstTTC: 1.50 **EstDOC: 11-Oct-2002 **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint,mmcclear ********************************************************************** 11 Oct 2002 15:59:11 ray: **Status: cancelled **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** Oh no! I knew the magnetic containment field had begun to decay; I just didn't think it would fail so quickly. I thought we had until at least Christmas break. Do we have a a contingency plan in place? "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Picasso On Fri, 11 Oct 2002, Dustin Graham wrote: > Ticket Description: midget containment has been breached > > Ticket Notes follow > 11 Oct 2002 15:07:26 dgraham: > > The midgets are loose! The midgets are loose! We're all going to experience high lag time, missing lockdown equipment and off-center cpu fans! Run for the hills! Crippled Windows boxen first! > > **Priority: 1 > **Scope: internal > **CSA: 100 > **Owner: mmcclear > **Filer: dgraham > **Reporter: dgraham > **ReporterName: Dustin Graham > **ReporterPhone: 6748 > **Category: other > **Subcategory: other > **Description: midget containment has been breached > **EstTTC: 1.50 > **EstDOC: 11-Oct-2002 > **Time: 0.08 > **MailedTo: tcc-maint,mmcclear > **Time: 0.00 ********************************************************************** 13 Oct 2002 15:28:11 mmcclear: This issue has not been resolved. Reopening ticket. **Status: active **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 13 Oct 2002 15:29:04 mmcclear: We'll need a golf cart and a 5000-volt capacinator, stat! **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 14 Oct 2002 08:25:19 mmcclear: I have managed to get the containment field back to about 87% strength but it keeps decaying. Dustin, you got any ideas? I'll need some help rounding up the midgets sometime today. **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: dgraham ********************************************************************** 14 Oct 2002 16:55:44 dgraham: The golf cart and the capacitor are a good idea, but what about a cheesecake? A cheesecake should significantly boost power through the reverse transmogrification of the flux ionosphere. And some more duct tape. We should run the midget containment field generator manager software through ssl so the midgets will not be able to decipher passwords with their esp. Then we should close off port 7337 on the servers, as the logs say there was a lot of midget activity there just prior to the breakout. Also, have the uc's make an official tcc watermarked "Do not feed the midgets" sign for the containment area. **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-uc,tcc-maint,mmcclear ********************************************************************** 14 Oct 2002 17:24:22 ray: **Status: cancelled **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 01 Apr 2003 11:13:06 dgraham: The midgets are loose! The midgets are loose! Impending shutdown of TCC services certain! Recapture the midgets at all costs! We are feverishly working to rectify the dissolution of the magneto-anagramic wave signal in the deamplification multiplexor continuity circuits for the Midget Containment Field. Catch the midgets! Save the TCC! **Priority: 1 **Scope: external **CSA: 100 **Owner: tcc-maint **Filer: dgraham **Reporter: dgraham **ReporterName: Dustin Graham **ReporterPhone: 6748 **Category: other **Subcategory: other **Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! **EstTTC: 1.50 **EstDOC: 01-Apr-2003 **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-uc,tcc-maint ********************************************************************** 01 Apr 2003 11:51:56 packrat: We are still working to recapture the midgets, but are haveing some problems; we have run out of Ferrious (III) oxide, Aluminum, and Unununium (3) Fluoride. Until we get more supplies in there may be packs of midgets with nonscholastic intent in the TCC. Remember to stay out of speare 16 and Brown 117 until the midget problem is resolved. Thank you. Packrat **Time: 237.08 **MailedTo: tcc-uc,tcc-maint ********************************************************************** 01 Apr 2003 13:08:49 ray: **Status: cancelled **Owner: ray **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 01 Apr 2003 13:11:31 xt3: A ticket you are currently involved with has been merged with another. Please use the new TicketID for all future correspondence. New Ticket ID: 20021011150726 The following tickets were merged into the above ticket: 20030401111306 - Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! **MailedTo: tcc-uc,mmcclear,tcc-uc,tcc-maint ********************************************************************** 01 Apr 2003 17:10:11 packrat: We have not yet resolved this problem; changeing to unresolvable due to problems getting ferrious(III) oxide. Packrat **Status: unresolvable **Time: 0.00 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 16 May 2003 08:30:13 ray: **Status: cancelled **Owner: ray **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** 16 May 2003 08:34:26 ray: **Description: Bogus ticket. **Time: 0.01 **MailedTo: N/A ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 01 Apr 2004 12:38:31 dgraham: The midgets are loose! The midgets are loose! Breach in hermatic superfluous ionic subsystem number 12! Someone gave Chee-tos to the midgets disrupting the integrity of the magnetic containment field! Expect massive downtime of all servers not labeled "unimportant machine." We are bracing for the worst as the Dell servers begin to buckle under the massive macro-mitigated midget onslaught! All blue LEDs have already shifted to red as the Dells begin their downward spiral into lethargy. In the distance we hear the cacophony of off center CPU fans emanating from speare 4. Expect discombobulated power grid fluctuations and network spikes as we try to bring the containment field back up to full strength. Please help recapture the midgets at all costs! **Priority: 1 **Scope: internal **CSA: 100 **Owner: tcc-maint **Filer: dgraham **Reporter: dgraham **ReporterName: Dustin Graham **ReporterPhone: 6748 **Category: hardware **Subcategory: fan **Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! **EstTTC: 1.50 **EstDOC: 01-Apr-2004 **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 01 Apr 2004 12:58:30 packrat: Oh no! I thought that the cheese cake that I installed would help to counteract the degradation of the isoflux degyroscopic ionic snail subflow system, but it seems that it did not work. I got a 30V 66000 MFD capacitor, but it looks like mmclear is right; we really need one that goes to 5KV. Anyway, we are going to need to eat the cheesecake; anyone that helps us resolve the midget problem can have a piece. BTW, I checked the servers to see if anything could be done about the bilubrial defibulation that they are undergoing, but it looks bad. I herd something that sounded like "Right of the Valkyrie" coming from the RAID (Redundant Array of inebriated Dells). I checked the hard drives and found that the midgets doing the jitterbug on platter #2! I cleared them off, but it looks like they left footprints and Jell-O all over the write heads. I added H2S04 to the drive and put it in the dead drive desk drawer. Anyway, I think that the best solution to this problem is to fill one of the instructor racks with Apple X-serve G5s, which should give us a portable computer cluster that will be far more powerfully that the combined might of the dells and the Beowulf. Then Dustin, Lance, both Rays, and I will need desktop G5s with 24 inch flat displays, and we will need to also fill PO Box #2088 with broken (or working) microdrives. Dustin - could you give me some help rounding up the excess midgets later today? I think that we might be able to store them in the backup midgees bin until we get the containment back up. Mat & Karl - do you guys have any ideas on how to fix this problem? Do any of you have more cheesecake? Also, everyone needs to remember to say out of Speare 144 and Brown 237 until this problem is resolved. Thank You for your understanding and cooperation. David Hunter **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** That's cause you got the wrong kind of cheesecake! A 30V 66000 MFD capacitor only works with a CHOCoLaTe cheesecake! Duh! (sigh) ...and Apple X-serve G5s won't help at all. Apple cheesecake is horrible, unless you protect against flux confabulator overflow... ----------------------------------------- Ray Lindsey (cthulhu(AT)nmt.edu) System Programmer - Tech Computing Center ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 01 Apr 2004 13:35:52 packrat: I think that Ray may be on to something with the CHOCoLaTe cheesecake, but he missed the point on the X serves. The point is to up size the encryption key so that the midgets can not decipher the SSL passwords with their ESP (see the note on the old midget ticket). I closed port 2772, but that only helped some. If we have the X serves to run the security they should be fast enough (unlike the RAID) to prevent the midgets from hacking into the dexenographic cobalt graphics subsystem. I will try to get some CHOCoLaTe cheesecake, but that may be tough; I can not find any good cheesecake in Socorro (smiths cheesecake will not cut it for use in the midget containment until), so I have to get it at Wild Oats in Abq. If I can get up there this weekend I will try to get some, but I think that we will have to make do without it. BTW, you are right about the apple cheesecake; I looked into it, but it costs much too much and it also is much harder to resolve the arsenic anti-grav subflux quotient when you use the apple flavor (in case you did not know, that is why there is no apple ice cream). David Hunter **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 01 Apr 2004 13:52:48 gfreid: SEND REENFORCMENTS FAST Desk is over run!!! There are midgets every where! We need to nuke speare 4 (thats the location of there secret resistance base) even better lets just lock them in there and let bill and the 111 lab students deal with it. They have started using there esp with no regard! We need to steal this power so as to cause a concentrated wave of backwards grading structure capable of ensuring that we all get a 4.0 this semester well back to the good fight! **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** I'm sorry, but my microwave doesn't seem to be able to produce any cheesecake. I caught several midgets drinking liquid nitrogen, and tried to persuade them to leave with a passionate reading of "Numerical Recipes in Fortran 90", but I found it ineffective, so I resorted to beating them with my copy of Environmental Surrealism (by G.B.). I think I killled most of them, although there are a few that left bloody paths of entrails leading to the bathroom on the third floor of Jones Annex and to the clothset marked "Beware of Leapard". As far as prevent future outbreaks: I think the follow needs to be implemented: 1)Transmogrifiers need to be installed on the current containment system. This, coupled with a platoon of toilet plunger wielding fascist war chickens might just be esoteric enough to explain in clear detail who runs this place. 2)Removeing all the doors in Brown Hall. (The purpose of this should be obvious) 3)We should quite messing around and file a TPS report to Mike T. 4)Has anyone concidered using some sort of Zen Koan system to annalyze midget vibrations? It occured to me that they might be wreaking havoc without wreaking havoc. On the otherhand, this might create a "SeeBack" effect, and of course, the inevitable arrival of lemon soaked paper napkins. Hope this clarifys things. Karl ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 01 Apr 2004 19:09:32 bobda: I've done as gfreid suggested. The CS111 students seem to be handling the cursed midgets well. They have learned much in the way of the Foo from Bill and Dan. The secret base will soon be destroyed. However it seems that the midgets are moving their ranks elsewhere in a steady retreat. I'm trying to set up a temporary antipositronic force shield around speare 4, but the midgets seem to have some way of bringing it down. I'ld say hurry up with the cheesecake. I fear I may have to resort to fending them off with my trusty battle axe untill something can be done. I also noticed a small faction of midgets scurry to the Sys. Prog. office. They were mumbling something about squirrels and yiffing...strange. I tried to smite them old testament style, but their pretty small. May the Axe of the Pagen Bastard Half-Orc Berserker God Bobda watch over you and not swing too closely to thy neck, Bobda out. **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! Ticket Notes follow 02 Apr 2004 07:44:48 steve: Happy April Fools. Go back to work **Status: closed **Owner: steve **Time: 0.08 **MailedTo: tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien,dgraham ********************************************************************** I think it's either a PEBKAC or an ID 10T problem. Regardless, I'm not sure I should get involved, I'm really more of a programmer than a hardware person these days. Matthew Matthew McCleary, mka Flainn Raighne John 14:10 College of St. Golias, Outlands ********************************************************************** Ticket Description: Bogus ticket. Ticket Notes follow 02 Apr 2004 12:28:06 xt3: A ticket you are currently involved with has been merged with another. Please use the new TicketID for all future correspondence. New Ticket ID: 20021011150726 The following tickets were merged into the above ticket: 20040401123831 - Description: THE MIDGETS ARE LOOSE! **MailedTo: tcc-maint,tcc-maint, tcc-uc, tcc-eng, hayduke, holstien ********************************************************************** Back to Karl's Cheap Webcam page

Tech Humor

Added 6/28/05

Funny Tech Pictures

Added 10/4/04

A note from Bob