Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names can never hurt me. -- Mother
(Photos can't hurt either.)
The world is not getting worse;
it is just that the news coverage is getting better.
Arsenic is natural; hemlock is organic.
Fear is the most powerful enemy of reason.
-- Al Gore
The mills of the gods grind slow
but exceedingly fine. -- Ancient Greek
Those who can, do. Those who cannot,
go into politics to tax those who can, for the benefit of
those who won't. -- Thorax, 9 Chickweed Lane
He thought it wasn't his fault
that he didn't learn to accept responsibility.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the
populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with
an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. -- H. L. Mencken
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow
as easily as he can invent a pleasure. -- Oscar Wilde
The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
War does not determine who is right --
only who is left. -- Bertrand Russell
Ninety eight percent of the adults
in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans.
It's the other lousy two percent that get all the
publicity. But then, we elected them. -- Lily Tomlin
The right to be heard does not automatically
include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert H. Humphrey
If tyranny and oppression ever come to
this land, it will be in the guise of
fighting a foreign enemy. -- James Madison
The only purpose for which power can be
rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community,
against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good,
either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
-- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty
In earlier times, entire wars
were waged for the stated purpose of protecting democracy.
Now wars are waged to protect freedom, democracy having
been abolished toward that end. -- Brooke McEldowney's Thorax
Metaphors are a way to help our minds process the unprocessible.
The problems arise when we begin to believe literally in our own metaphors.
-- Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code
Marital bliss is a great burden to place on two people;
sometimes a third person is needed to lighten the load.
-- Oscar Wilde
Milk is for babies; when you grow up you have to drink beer.
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Those who are too smart to engage in politics
are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -- Plato
Politics is a pendulum whose swings between
anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated
illusions. -- Albert Einstein
You cannot maintain a republic and empire simultaneously.
-- Gore Vidal
A fool often fails because he thinks what is difficult is easy,
a wise man because he thinks what is easy is difficult. -- John Collins
A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular
national group in America has not yet become an American. -- Woodrow Wilson
The bible teaches us how to go to heaven, not how
the heavens go. -- Galileo
With lies, you may go forward in the world,
but you may never go back. -- Ben Kingsley, Transsiberian (2008)
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
-- William Blake
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time
and to its government when it deserves it. -- Mark Twain
The chains of marriage are so heavy it takes two to bear them,
sometimes three. -- Alexandre Dumas
One of the greatest delusions in the world
is the hope that the evils in this world are to cured by legislation.
-- Thomas B. Reed (1886)
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed.
If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
-- Mark Twain
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-- Mark Twain
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
If things are not to your liking, change your liking.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
-- Tom Stoppard
We all want to help one
another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by
each other's happiness, not by each other's misery.
-- Charlie Chaplin,The Great Dictator (1940)
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
If there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-- Carl Jung
Heisenberg may have slept here.
Copernicus stopped the sun and made the earth move.
Life without festivity is like a long road
without an inn.
We shall have an open mind, and not let a little
bit of truth check the rush of the big truth. --
Professor Van Helsing in Dracula by Bram Stoker
Everything was so different before everything
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Organic food is just for
rich people who hate themselves.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Puritanism is the fear that someone,
somewhere may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken
If electricity comes from electrons,
perhaps morality comes from morons.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you,
then they fight you, then you win. -- Mohandas Gandhi
If everything seems to be going your way,
maybe you're in the wrong lane.
Things that do everything don't do anything very well.
Television is a new medium.
It's called a medium because nothing is well done. -- Fred Allen
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
Insanity is hereditary.
You can catch it from your kids.
-- Erma Bombeck
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast
any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
Does a backward poet write in-verse?
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed?
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress
the opposite of progress?
Let us be thankful for fools.
But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
-- Mark Twain
Don't you wish there were a knob on
the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked
"Brightness", but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
but mean your mother
He started out with nothing
and he still has most of it.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly,
science into superstition, and art into pedantry.
Hence university education. -- George Bernard Shaw
We learn from failure, not from success!
-- Van Helsing in Bram Stoker's Dracula
God put us here to accomplish something in our lifetimes.
I am so far behind now, I'll never be able to die
Everything you can imagine is real. --
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow
spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. -- Pablo Picasso
Research is to see what everyone else has seen,
but to think what no one else has thought.
Things should be made as simple as possible,
but not any simpler. -- Albert Einstein
Not everything that counts can be counted,
and not everything that can be counted, counts. -- Albert Einstein
The human race likes to give itself airs.
One good volcano can produce more greenhouse gases in a year
than the human race has in its entire history." -- Ray Bradbury
I am not against the Lord. I'm against
those who claim to speak for him. -- Bill Maher
It is dangerous to be right when
the government is wrong -- Voltaire
A conservative doesn't want anything to happen
for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now. -- Mort Sahl
Few people can be happy unless they hate some other
person, nation, or creed. -- Bertrand Russell
A cult is a religion with no political power. -- Tom Wolfe
If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest
with friends in government and every walk of life,
and you will make small progress against it. -- Samuel Marchbanks
We are willing enough to praise freedom when she is
safely tucked away in the past and cannot be a nuisance. In the present, amidst
dangers whose outcome we cannot foresee, we get nervous about her, and admit censorship.
-- E.M. Forster
The purpose of education is to replace an empty
mind with an open one. -- Malcolm Forbes
If you think education is expensive,
try ignorance. -- Derek Bok
The only people you should get even
with are those who have helped you.
Try to please all, and you will please none.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had
happened. -- Winston Churchill
Very few people do anything creative after
the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do
anything creative before the age of thirty-five. -- Joel Hildebrand
The best way to have a good idea is to have
a lot of ideas. -- Linus Pauling
Superstition is merely ignorance
of the way the world functions.
The opposite of a correct statement is
a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth
may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr
I do not feel obliged to believe that the
same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect
has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly
do without the necessities. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Time is nature's way of ensuring that
everything doesn't happen at once.
Time, like mathematics is a concept, a way
we devise to understand experience. Asking when time began is like
asking when mathematics began. -- Marilyn Van Savant
There's no future in time travel.
If you eat a bowl of antipasto
and then eat a bowl of pasta, are you still hungry?
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes,
and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with. -- Dave Barry
Only Irish coffee provides in a single
glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine,
sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine
He has a mind like a computer; it freezes
up at the worst posible times. -- Shoe comic
Thus the metric system did not really catch on
in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the
nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
A metaphor is like a simile.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Anything said in Latin sounds profound.)
Blessed are those who debate with the mute,
for they shall be called dentists.
Everyone should believe in something;
I believe I'll have another drink. -- W. C. Fields
Titanic, this is the Hindenburg. Send up
a flair so we can find you.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two Rules For Success are:
1. Never tell people everything you know.
We are friends of liberty everywhere, but we
are only the guardians of our own. -- John Adams
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts
the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until
you get to the office. -- Robert Frost
Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more,
whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love
more, and all good things will be yours -- Swedish proverb
If you get up early, work late, and pay your
taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil. -- J. Paul Getty
Many people quit looking for work
when they find a job. -- Stephen Wright
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car
to make it rain won't work.
If there's a ring in the tub, please answer it.
It must be spring, the saps are running again.
Fast, good, cheap -- pick two.
If you are irreplaceable,
how can you be promoted?
Why do we drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?
Why do we wind up a clock to start it, but
wind up a meeting to end it?
Why is a wise guy the opposite of a wise man?
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The word carburetor is French for leave it alone.
So, you took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The lottery is tax on people who are bad at math.
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology
of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey
Geologists are fault finders.
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
-- Ralph Hodgson on ESP
He thought the formula for water
was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O (H-to-O).
It is the customary fate of new truths
to begin as heresies and end as superstitions. -- T. H. Huxley
We will make electricity so cheap
that only the rich will burn candles.
-- Thomas Edison
A day without coffee is like night.
You sleep most of the time.
Is onomatopoeia spelled like it sounds?
I don't want to be immortal through
my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. -- Woody Allen
Cuisine is something like food but the
portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If the cuisine is
French, then the waiter will insult you.
He who will not reason is a bigot;
he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.
-- Sir William Drummond
A good photograph is knowing where to stand.
-- Ansel Adams
You are conscious when you are aware
of something; conscience is when you wish you weren't.
What's worse, ignorance or apathy?
Don't know, don't care.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
I've been dieting for a month, and all I've lost is 30 days.
The Service Engineer has never seen a model quite like yours.
Half the people in the world are below average.
You have to bend over backwards to get a job as a yoga instructor.
All generalizations are false.
Me, a skeptic? I trust you have proof.
I didn't fight my way to the top of
the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word for bad hunter.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature. -- Steven Wright
You only need WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40;
if it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape.
There's a lot of comedy on television,
but does this cause comedy in the streets?
Why is it called it a building when it
looks like it's finished. Shouldn't it be called a built?
Engineering is like having an 8 am class
and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life,
but the pay is much better.
Don't treat computers as though they were human;
they hate it.
Programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas
because oct(31) = dec(25).
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Unix is the answer,
but only if you phrase the question very carefully.
Computer Science is no more about computers
than astronomy is about telescopes. -- E. W. Dijkstra
It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime
number discovered recently is four times bigger than the
previous record. -- John Blasik
Boetcker's Cannots (1873-1962)
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
You cannot help little men by tearing down big men.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by
taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them,
what they could and should do for themselves.
A short history of medicine:
Doctor, I have an ear ache.
2000 BC --
1000 BC --
1850 AD --
1940 AD --
1985 AD --
2000 AD --
Here, eat this root.
That root is heathen, say this prayer.
That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
The difference between heaven and hell is that
the police are British
the cooks are French
the mechanics are German
the lovers are Italian
the Swiss are the organizers
the police are German
the cooks are British
the mechanics are French
the lovers are Swiss
the Italians are the organizers
Different viewpoints on a glass of water
The optimist thinks the glass is half full.
The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
The engineer knows the glass is too large by a factor of two.
Proof that odd numbers are prime
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime.
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime.
The Computer Scientist:
1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime
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